Thursday, August 18, 2016

Destination Two: Friendly Skies Over Peru

Interjet flight 2890 to Lima isn't packed with bookish lesbian hikers like the plane from Missoula to Salt Lake was or prudish mormon elders like the plane from there to Mexico was. These faces are browner and happier - as I'll soon be. The girls in boots and guys in suits have been replaced by smooching couples, nursing moms, and doting dads. Latino love is in the air - and so am I.

Goodbye gringo misery and hello South American food and music, peoples and places, spirituality and sensuality. There may be a problem with sensuality though. Airport security seized my shampoo, mouthwash, and shaving cream, but overlooked my straight razor, so I'm armed to kill but not to love. Oh, the irony! Our world is getting tough on terrorists, but it has always been hard on romantics.

Thus, I've planned my escape. I'm off to a simpler place, where art is the pursuit of beauty not the pursuit of multiple revenue streams. Wanna come along? I promise to pass on all the living-with-gusto tips I pick up but none of the rashes or infections. How's that for a deal?

I'm completely at a loss where to begin a noble global quest for beauty and enlightenment - ah yes, my lovely flight attendant. There was a time when artists credited almighty God or captivating women as the ultimate muses (rather than modern genocides or childhood molestations), so forgive me for revisiting this quaint politically-incorrect artistic tradition. Back to senorita Miriam Rosas! As I ponder where to look for radiant beauty in this dark de-humanizing age, her gently swelling curves softly respirate the answer with a warmth and fertility no cool corporate uniform can truly muffle. Her moist eyes gleam like a beacon into my soul.

While gringos cling stubbornly to the trendy dogma of gender equality through gender uniformity that has brought many of them such loveless and passionless lives, latinos still prefer the old-fashioned perspective of men and women as differently-designed animals equipped with differently-awesome jedi powers. They have good reason.

People often ask whether I fear the drug traffikers and kidnap ransomers while living in Latin America, to which I stifle a cry: "No you fools, I fear the babes who only need try on a dress at the mall to leave me trembling, kneeling, weeping, and handing over my cash." Flight attendent Miriam walks softly but carries a big lipstick. She says she's at my service, but our eyes lock and we both know she could throw a bone down the aisle and I'd fetch it.

Why would she surrender the proven elegant soft-power of femininity for hard-edged feminist theories that produce more bitterness than happiness? Most Latinas wouldn't. Treating women with disrespect has been one of history's dumbest mistakes, but treating women like men has been one of modernity's. I'm thrilled to be here. I mean the literal thrill of men and women flaunting their distinct primal forces like cowboys used to wear their weapons into town.

It's dangerous down here. People sometimes get hurt. Yet, they often find love and passion far beyond the typical gringo experience. That's why I'm back and headed farther South in the Americas than ever before. Had enough political correctness? Open to a little more bliss? Latin America just might be for you.

Did I mention that Miriam's lustrous chocolate hair keeps tumbling out of its loose bun? Important detail. She stands in jutting profile, stretching up to repin the strands behind her delicate ears and off her creamy neck. I am mesmerized. Just for the record, I would be equally passionate to know the geography of her mind and heart, but that's absolutely impossible with the fasten seatbelt light on. I must gaze from afar. Nature designed these details to catch my notice then draw me closer. Should she ask whether I'm staring at her, I'll neither deny nor apologize for my natural attraction. I'll firmly and slowly whisper, "Not as much as I'd like to." She might smile and blush. God bless Latin America! We're now landing in Peru, so I gotta go.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Globe Trekking Pitstop One: Missoula Montana

Readers who've been breathlessly awaiting the revelation of the first location of my global vacation can now breathe deeply from the fresh air on Montana's Lake McDonald. What a lovely spot! My 85-year-old father stands beside me for a photo, just as we stood together in front of Yosemite National Park's mist-and-rainbow-framed Vernal Falls 50 years ago.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Time to Hit the Road Again

Enough hibernation already!
Humanity is doomed to vacillate between distress and boredom, as the German philosopher Schopenhauer said. My poor Mexican friends scoff at invitations to go camping, because they've spent nearly all their lives trying to stop camping. My rich American friends constantly search for more extreme sports, because they need a thrill in their vaccinated, seat-belted, health-insured lives. I also hunger for tranquility when stressed and for stimulation when stuck in routine. Such is life on earth.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Homo Killers Rock and Homemakers Suck

A big greedy insurance company very recently conspired to find out what career makes people the happiest, so they could provide more insurance to long-living happy folks rather than short-lived sad folks. (Money-grubbing and number-crunching bastards!) Because of the intensely-evil capitalist motivations behind this research study, they failed to approach their subject with the proper PC bias of a sophisticated peer-reviewed/censured university professor. (Trigger alert: rude myth-busting reality coming up next.)

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Life Is Cooler Than Fiction

The prestigious Eclectica Magazine is publishing dual anthologies of what they consider the best fiction and nonfiction writing from the last twenty years. I'm honored to be included. Since my life makes vampires and zombies seem a mundane snoozefest, I only write stuff that's absolutely true, so the chosen story "Dying With Dignity Mexican Style" from my debut work Sacred Ground & Holy Water will be featured in their nonfiction collection. You can buy it soon. I must concur that this piece is one of the most shocking and moving passages I have ever written. It was a long descent into the abyss to write and not for the faint-hearted.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Strippers, Cactus, & Other Edibles III

Goat milk caramel and strawberries with whipped cream are common confections in Guanajuato. Yet, I’m introduced to these ordinary sweet things by an extraordinary sweet thing: a brown sugar and exotic dancer named Clementine. This girl doesn’t spend much time in the kitchen, but she could teach your grandmother some luscious ways to serve up desert. Here is how I get myself into an extremely sticky situation.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Strippers, Cactus, & Other Edibles II

After dreams of making beautiful music with Lila Downs, I awake under a desert sunrise. Hit the road home to my ranch. Just outside the remote little village called Bravo, I turn off the highway onto a dirt road at the Corregidora Tech University. Here is where I work as a professor. The long and low sand-colored and rock-studded buildings meld into the landscape of desert scrub valley with distant blue mountains. The only sound is the wind. I savor the silence.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Strippers, Cactus, & Other Edibles

While moving this week into a new house in the verdant rainforest that encircles my university above the Oaxacan coast, your author stumbled upon notes scribbled at the desert ranch I inhabited for two years before coming here. I think you'll find them quite interesting. The notes explain how I came to devour scrumptious desert delicacies that include much prickly-skinned cactus and one smooth-skinned stripper. Here we go with what I might call the nonfiction hunger games.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Why America Embraces A Trump/Clinton Circus

This magazine has already provided snapshots of the tiny tip of the huge iceberg that is the lifelong ideological and moral bancruptcy of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. A word to the wise is sufficient. It's now time for wise people to come to grips with why so many Americans have enthusiastically embraced a knuckle-dragging guy with a fascist strong-man aura and a scandal-laden hag with a socialist mother-superior attitude.